"I can honestly say that art has saved my life."
A story by artist Brittany Robinson
This past year has been one of the toughest I’ve gone through. A DWI and other financial burdens, along with severe depression and generalized anxiety can take a toll on anyone. And for me, it absolutely did. For months, I subjected myself to escapism, using alcohol, opioids, or marijuana to cope with the pain. I chose to isolate myself from the outside world, and drown myself in chemicals that would only ever mask the pain (or occasionally make it worse). I didn’t know how to get myself out of this slump. My life became mundane and predictable - I would wake up, go to work, come home, drink/smoke until I was fucked up, then going to bed only to repeat the same thing the next day. I was wasting my life, because I thought I was a waste of life.
Amongst all of this pain, I really felt like something was missing. I couldn’t explain it. There were plenty of things in my life that could’ve used a change. I kept asking myself, “What do I need?” And to be honest, I didn’t know the answer. Maybe it was the prospect of a new job? Maybe I needed to start dating again? Whatever it was, I knew I needed to socialize and put myself out there somehow.
I needed to break the chain of predictability. I needed to break the chain of my mediocre life. But how would I do it?
Then one day, something clicked. Months prior, I had bought a small easel and a few canvases to paint, but they sat in my room untouched for the longest time. Before I moved to Austin, I would spend a lot of time painting in my room, but I’d never let anyone other than family see what I came up with. I’d just hang them around my room.
I actually found myself intimidated at the idea of getting back into painting. But I gave it a shot. My first attempt at it was a meditating man with the color of the seven chakras going through his body. It didn’t come out the way I wanted it to, so I repainted it a few times with different themes. It took months to finally complete but, during that time, I discovered something.
Art and expression were missing from my life. Being able to create something - a picture, an emotion - has become so fulfilling to me. Sometimes I have trouble expressing my true feelings verbally, so what better way than to show them visually? Whenever I paint, my negative thoughts disappear. I can let go and do what I want. I’m finally in control.
When you suffer with depression and anxiety, you understand how tough it is to feel like you’re in control of anything. Art has become me taking control of myself. Taking control of my depression and fighting my anxiety when I was too scared to show anyone my work. I even took a major leap by submitting a painting into my first ever art show.
Since that show, I’ve been painting on a regular basis. My small studio apartment is slowly overflowing with paintings I’ve created and, quite frankly, I love it. I’m still hard on myself and my work. I always feel like there’s room for improvement, and there always will be as long as I keep working toward bettering myself as an artist.
I have great people in my life that encourage me everyday to keep striving. I can honestly say that art has saved my life. I was born to create, to express, and to live the best life possible. And, as long as art is a part of my life, I’ll never feel like a waste again.